Passing Diamondhead

I awake to a normal day,going to work on a Saturday. The construction business is good for that. At the time I am 36 and am on my way to work after picking up co-workers. I start feeling ...wrong. I am getting cramps in my lower back and my intestines feel like I've got a food illness.
"Fuck it...it'll pass after I eat and take a shit!"  Nope...at jobsite the pain increases, coming in waves. This is not a bowel thing or a food illness...I'm passing a kidney stone. They run in the family. "Thanx Dad!"
(Remember that statement...will be used alot)
ME  " I gotta go boss, I can't work like this."
BOSS " What's up?"
ME (wincing in pain trying to smile) " I think I'm passing a kidney stone."
BOSS (with a guys smile of enjoyment and concern) " Yeah ...you go ahead and enjoy that, and call me when you get out of ER."

The drive to the house is a 30 minute ,70 MPH dash. When I step out of the truck, it starts a new level of pain.
"I am gonna tough this out as long as i can...I can do it!"
Yeah Right!!
30 minutes later
ME " Dad, you gotta take me to the ER now!" " Shortest route with foot on floor please!"
The last statement was to a 67 yr old man...this ride is gonna take a while.
We arrive at ER and meet Florence Nightmare.(if you haven't read it... you should!)

I should tell you that this ordeal is now in its 7th hour. The pains started at 8am..it's now 3pm in ER.

So after meeting Nurse Nightmare I am put into a curtained off room where I will soon be seen by a doctor.

I have found that the only way to be comfortable is to lay on my left side , with my legs scissored right over left. While in this position I am squeezing my testicles together as hard as I can,(yes I said it!!),while doing Lamaze breathing when the pain comes. Quite the sight for the passing looky-loos.

ME " That's it..I give up..I just wanna got to sleep!"
DAD " No Son you can't..you gotta stick with it ya here!?"
I can hear the break in his voice as he steps outside the curtain to regain his composure.....He steps back in.

ME "Get me a bucket, I'm gonna be sick!"
DAD" HERE!!"
( as the "Medication Technician" enters)

HURL!!!....Yeah the cranberry juice I had at home!!

"I'll get you feeling right."

MT " Well that's not good, how long has that been happening?
ME " Just when I saw you guy."
MT "Funny!, Let me get you hooked up bro."

A few minutes,a needle...and now I'm a pincushion.
MT "There ya go,I'll be back in a bit to check on you."
DAD " You OK?"
ME " Yeah,...THANX DAD!"
(I was asked the same 20 questions 7 times about my family history, and all were answered with a point to Dad and a "THANX DAD"
DAD " You'll be fine."

Enter Nurse (Highschool Prom Queen Hot!)

"Can you fill this please?"

N " I need a urine sample."

I glance directly at my Dad with a "You Bastard" look.
DAD " hawt,choke laugh."
ME " Great ..You gonna help?" (levity usually helps)
N " I'll be back in a few."
She leaves and I look towards my Dad ,who is now turned towards the corner laughing.
Re-enter Med Tech

"How about another click or two?"

MT " How you feeling?"
ME "Still hurting ."
(click click, click click)...warm fuzzies.
DAD " You are liking that stuff too much."
ME " I am liking the lack of pain that much!"...with a glazed eyed smile ,holding a now full urine sample bottle.

Hot nurse returns

"Your soo funny, and your in pain..hehe."

N "Oh I see you have something for me."
ME " I did what I could."
N " I'll just fill this specimen cup with this and...(she is actually going to pour piss from one container into another)
ME (laughing) " No really, you can take it all, I don't need it anymore."
N " I guess I could just take the whole thing huh?"
ME (laughing)" I don't want it....you Dad?"
DAD (laughing in corner) " No..I'm good."

I'll leave out the boring hour trip to radiology to get an x-ray and get asked the same 20 questions again..
  and another THANX DAD!"

Back in exam room..still warm fuzzies...pain level manageable.

Enter FEMALE Doctor (Supermodel HOT!!) with nurse Prom Queen too.
My eyes widen from their chemically induced glaze.

"Let's see what's wrong here!"

DOC " Hello, I'm Doctor Roberts."
ME " Hello, I'm passing a kidney stone."
DOC " You sound pretty sure of that, have you had them before?"
ME " No, but I'm quite familiar with them in my family?
DOC " They run in your family?"
ME " Yes they do." ..with a point to Dad in the corner..."THANX DAD!"
DOC " Well I'm gonna check a few things,just to make sure, while we wait for your x-rays..OK?"
ME " OK."
DOC " OK..so, drop your pants, I'm gonna check you for any blockages."
As she is saying this , she is donning rubber gloves...and lubing up a finger.
I am no longer happy to see this ravishing beauty of medicine.A glance at my Dad in the corner and all is in perspective. He is red-faced holding back the desire to laugh aloud, and  I realize that this is going to be embarrassing.
ME " I know it's not that, I went before I came here."
DOC " We have to check Sir."
 DAMN IT!!!! ...not a big fan of things going into my ass!! Oh well gotta grin and bear it! ..(puns abound)

So I drop my pants and ,again, another level of embarrassment. The boxer shorts that I am wearing say
  " BLOW ME " on the left leg...and now of course , both hot women can see this.

(These are the actual shorts folks !)

N " Hehe, That's funny!" ..with a highschool giddiness.
DOC " Nice"  she now proceeds with necessary exam, " Nope ..no blockage."

"Real classy.... Ladykiller!"

DOC " LOVE the shorts!" ..she says with a "later Gator " look and a blushing smile.
ME " Told Ya!  and Thanx !!"

I still own the boxers. Not for wearing , just for the story.

After all this I was given 6 paint strainers to pee through, 8 pain pills to make it through the night...and a bill
 for $4000.00.

The black stone was the size of a grain of sand. I called it Diamondhead after the great black volcanoe of Hawaii and because of all the drama associated with this episode was like and eruption.

It felt like I passed the whole mountain.