Schools Open

So schools open ,come on in
If you have what it takes you just might win
A place in a faceless book
A space where no one looks.

We'll teach you all you need
Until we don't need you anymore.
Then we'll glady let you go
Send you out
Show you the door.

So come on by
Drop on in
We are here to teach
So learn.....if you can.

Eyes Open

It has been quite a while since I have posted anything and much has happened to write about.....
but I can't write about it all at once, so I will reflect on an eye opener of significance.

I watched from afar as a travesty of humanity unfolded on multimedia in front of me.
A woman that I care for was going through a very tough time trying to figure out herself and her current relationship. We had talked once about her boyfriend in depth, and my thoughts about him were less than complimentary. I saw something in the way he posed for pictures and wrote about himself that spoke volumes to me about his character. I did my best to express my feelings to her as simply and as directly as possible. She listened ,as friends do, but the words were just words to her, at the time.
As my friend continued her journey with her boyfriend ,she continued to write about her experiences
through mass media... She Tweeted, and posted on her Blog Site and Facebook all the little things that happened...the trips,funny experiences,hospital visits and of course the disagreements.
I found myself growing concerned for her,but dared not say anything ,as it would not be my place...and for our past.  I saw her being frail and trying to open up, but I mainly saw the inevitable end.

My eye opening came when I realized that I was no longer concerned with our relationship,but that I was strictly concerned for her. I was watching her put herself through hell ...for nothing...and it was actually getting to me that she was getting hurt. I saw in myself the wisdom and caring that had always eluded me previously. I didn't have to HAVE someone to care about them..AND ..I saw that my intuition about several recent situations was correct. 

If we can learn to be giving of ourselves without concern for what will be returned, we will have finally learned what it means to love someone else...and ourselves.

Passing Diamondhead

I awake to a normal day,going to work on a Saturday. The construction business is good for that. At the time I am 36 and am on my way to work after picking up co-workers. I start feeling ...wrong. I am getting cramps in my lower back and my intestines feel like I've got a food illness.
"Fuck it...it'll pass after I eat and take a shit!"  Nope...at jobsite the pain increases, coming in waves. This is not a bowel thing or a food illness...I'm passing a kidney stone. They run in the family. "Thanx Dad!"
(Remember that statement...will be used alot)
ME  " I gotta go boss, I can't work like this."
BOSS " What's up?"
ME (wincing in pain trying to smile) " I think I'm passing a kidney stone."
BOSS (with a guys smile of enjoyment and concern) " Yeah ...you go ahead and enjoy that, and call me when you get out of ER."

The drive to the house is a 30 minute ,70 MPH dash. When I step out of the truck, it starts a new level of pain.
"I am gonna tough this out as long as i can...I can do it!"
Yeah Right!!
30 minutes later
ME " Dad, you gotta take me to the ER now!" " Shortest route with foot on floor please!"
The last statement was to a 67 yr old man...this ride is gonna take a while.
We arrive at ER and meet Florence Nightmare.(if you haven't read it... you should!)

I should tell you that this ordeal is now in its 7th hour. The pains started at 8am..it's now 3pm in ER.

So after meeting Nurse Nightmare I am put into a curtained off room where I will soon be seen by a doctor.

I have found that the only way to be comfortable is to lay on my left side , with my legs scissored right over left. While in this position I am squeezing my testicles together as hard as I can,(yes I said it!!),while doing Lamaze breathing when the pain comes. Quite the sight for the passing looky-loos.

ME " That's it..I give up..I just wanna got to sleep!"
DAD " No Son you can't..you gotta stick with it ya here!?"
I can hear the break in his voice as he steps outside the curtain to regain his composure.....He steps back in.

ME "Get me a bucket, I'm gonna be sick!"
DAD" HERE!!"
( as the "Medication Technician" enters)

HURL!!!....Yeah the cranberry juice I had at home!!

"I'll get you feeling right."

MT " Well that's not good, how long has that been happening?
ME " Just when I saw you guy."
MT "Funny!, Let me get you hooked up bro."

A few minutes,a needle...and now I'm a pincushion.
MT "There ya go,I'll be back in a bit to check on you."
DAD " You OK?"
ME " Yeah,...THANX DAD!"
(I was asked the same 20 questions 7 times about my family history, and all were answered with a point to Dad and a "THANX DAD"
DAD " You'll be fine."

Enter Nurse (Highschool Prom Queen Hot!)

"Can you fill this please?"

N " I need a urine sample."

I glance directly at my Dad with a "You Bastard" look.
DAD " hawt,choke laugh."
ME " Great ..You gonna help?" (levity usually helps)
N " I'll be back in a few."
She leaves and I look towards my Dad ,who is now turned towards the corner laughing.
Re-enter Med Tech

"How about another click or two?"

MT " How you feeling?"
ME "Still hurting ."
(click click, click click)...warm fuzzies.
DAD " You are liking that stuff too much."
ME " I am liking the lack of pain that much!"...with a glazed eyed smile ,holding a now full urine sample bottle.

Hot nurse returns

"Your soo funny, and your in pain..hehe."

N "Oh I see you have something for me."
ME " I did what I could."
N " I'll just fill this specimen cup with this and...(she is actually going to pour piss from one container into another)
ME (laughing) " No really, you can take it all, I don't need it anymore."
N " I guess I could just take the whole thing huh?"
ME (laughing)" I don't want it....you Dad?"
DAD (laughing in corner) " No..I'm good."

I'll leave out the boring hour trip to radiology to get an x-ray and get asked the same 20 questions again..
  and another THANX DAD!"

Back in exam room..still warm fuzzies...pain level manageable.

Enter FEMALE Doctor (Supermodel HOT!!) with nurse Prom Queen too.
My eyes widen from their chemically induced glaze.

"Let's see what's wrong here!"

DOC " Hello, I'm Doctor Roberts."
ME " Hello, I'm passing a kidney stone."
DOC " You sound pretty sure of that, have you had them before?"
ME " No, but I'm quite familiar with them in my family?
DOC " They run in your family?"
ME " Yes they do." ..with a point to Dad in the corner..."THANX DAD!"
DOC " Well I'm gonna check a few things,just to make sure, while we wait for your x-rays..OK?"
ME " OK."
DOC " OK..so, drop your pants, I'm gonna check you for any blockages."
As she is saying this , she is donning rubber gloves...and lubing up a finger.
I am no longer happy to see this ravishing beauty of medicine.A glance at my Dad in the corner and all is in perspective. He is red-faced holding back the desire to laugh aloud, and  I realize that this is going to be embarrassing.
ME " I know it's not that, I went before I came here."
DOC " We have to check Sir."
 DAMN IT!!!! ...not a big fan of things going into my ass!! Oh well gotta grin and bear it! ..(puns abound)

So I drop my pants and ,again, another level of embarrassment. The boxer shorts that I am wearing say
  " BLOW ME " on the left leg...and now of course , both hot women can see this.

(These are the actual shorts folks !)

N " Hehe, That's funny!" ..with a highschool giddiness.
DOC " Nice"  she now proceeds with necessary exam, " Nope ..no blockage."

"Real classy.... Ladykiller!"

DOC " LOVE the shorts!" ..she says with a "later Gator " look and a blushing smile.
ME " Told Ya!  and Thanx !!"

I still own the boxers. Not for wearing , just for the story.

After all this I was given 6 paint strainers to pee through, 8 pain pills to make it through the night...and a bill
 for $4000.00.

The black stone was the size of a grain of sand. I called it Diamondhead after the great black volcanoe of Hawaii and because of all the drama associated with this episode was like and eruption.

It felt like I passed the whole mountain.

The Northbound H.R.E.

Old Man #1 " Son,..Get off those tracks..can't you see there's a train coming?"

"This is gonna be brutal!"

Northbound H.R.E.

Old Man #2 " He can't hear ya."
OM 1" What?!",.."Well is he blind too?"

"Insane with love"

OM 2" Yep!..Blinded and insane with love and can't hear the voices of reason."

"He's just standing there!"

OM 1" Oh this is gonna be terrible!"...,"That's the northbound H.R.E.,she's a long crazy express train that carries a full load."  "He's gonna get run down!"

" I HAVE ISSUES."

They ALL have issues!



Steadfast ,honest and unwaivering.

 OM 2" Yeah, but he's pretty soild ,with the patience of a saint and the will of Jeremiah Johnson."
          "And that train isn't that stable"

"What to do,what to do?!"

OM 1" Wow..she's really moving!"

OM 2" Yep...and he ain't!"

"This is gonna hurt!"

EMOTIONAL TRAINWRECK!!

OM 1" Holy shit that was awfull, they couldn't stop!"

NO BRAKES

NO SWITCING TRACKS

OM 2" Like nothing I've ever seen." "Look at all the cargo spilled out!"

FEELINGS

PASSION AND CHEMISTRY

EMOTIONS

SANITY

PAIN







"Stay back folks..cleaning up here."

 OM 1 "Wow ,he took quite a shot."

  OM 2 "He'll be fine."                        

 OM 1 "And the H.R.E.?"                

OM 2 "She'll roll again."                 

 OM 1 "Wow, what a mess!"           

OM 2"That's why I don't go by those tracks anymore."

Phonis Interruptus

So my girlfriend and I are at my apartment.

Ye olde love nest

My two roommates are not home,so we are enjoying each others company and getting intimate.



(What chemistry)

 We could never keep our hands off each other.

As we are in the throws of passion, the phone rings.

GF "You had better not get that!"
ME "Hell no!!..I'm not answering that!!"

We continue our exploration of each other and ignore the ringing of the phone until the answering machine picks up.

Always when you don't want it!

AM "You have reached Tony and blah, blah"...you get the picture.
         "BEEP"

Voice of roommate: aka: Mr. Funnyman Jokester
      " GET OFF THE BABYSITTER!!!

"MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION!"

This statemant sounds like its coming from a bullhorn ,and it resonates throughout entire apartment
at an alarming volume....and I can picture his face.

"Hope I didn't interrupt anything."

Loonngggg pause
His voice again" I just wanted to see if you were still picking me up when I'm done at work."
                              " Call me."

"What did he just say?"

The soft voices and whispers of love making  have now been replaced with hysterical laughter.

"That's soo funny!"

Needless to say this moment has brought on a tantric lull to our pleasure.

My girlfriend and I are both now crying from laughing so hard .
GF "That's fucked up!"
ME" Yeah...he knows that we are here together , and he already knows I'm coming to get him."...
      "He's such a dick!"
GF" I'm gonna kill him!"

We were able to calm ourselves and finish what we started, and I did go and get him from work.

ME( to him as soon as he got into car)
" Very funny fucking asshole!"

HIM " WHAT?!"....with that look.

"OH ..I got your ass!"

"Go Ahead'

201 Bath Ave. Apt #1
Long Branch ,New Jersey
1991

This apartment has more parties than days in a week. Typical bachelor pad. Three guys, two refrigerators full of beer ,but no food.

"I had better not see any veggies in here!"

There is a golden oak picnic table in the dining area. This is "drinking central". We love this table, Twelve of us flock to its comfort as we decide what drinking game we will start with tonite.

Come...relax...drink.

3 MAN !!  Oh shit..here we go!!
(Fast forward)
Hours and many, many, many rounds of 3 man and other alcohol consumption rituals have passed.

"Why did I say I'd play 3 man?"

There are four of us left operable. There is Tony, Lew ,Charlie and myself. We are sitting at the table...all feeling pretty good ,and Charlie is heading into trouble.

Drinking out of a heavy beer mug ,Charlie drunkedly slams his mug onto the table with a deep wooden thud .
EWWWWW....that's not good ! That's a divet .

"Watch the table man!"

Lew and Tony(in drunken stereo) "What the hell Charlie?!"
Me(drunk as well) "Yo Chuck, what the fuck?!"
All three(in stereo) "Watch the table man!"
Me " Ah shit Chaz, you dented it!"
Charlie " No I didn't!"
Lew and Tony (again in drunken stereo) " The fuck you didn't!"
Lew to Chaz (with a drunken slur)" I oughtta break your fuckin' pinky finger for that!"
Charlie (making a HUGE mistake at this point) "GO AHEAD!!"...and he puts his pinky finger out for a target.
Lew is also drinking from a heavy beer mug and kept his word.

Charlie  " Aww Fuck!!".....is suddenly sober...and slightly upset.

Next day at the restaurant that we worked at,after explaining Charlie's injuries to boss.
(all of this in front of Charlie, who is speechless at this point)

Boss " You can't just break his finger Lew...he's gotta be able to work."
Lew " He dented the table man!"
Boss (smiling,knowing the table) "It's a table Lew."
Lew (laughing) " He shouldn't have put his finger out there then."
Me (laughing)" He did say," GO AHEAD!"
Boss (now laughing)" You guys are fucked up!"

Charlie (finally breaking his silence) "I can't believe you broke my finger!"

Me, Boss,Lew and rest of kitchen staff that has overheard the entire story (all in stereo)
     "We can't believe you said ,"GO AHEAD!"